there lies a thin line between physical affection and affection. Often, the line blurs
written for suholiday
i want to make you move
(because you're standing still)
Joonmyun is not really a club person, doesn't quite appreciate the loud noises and the mass of sweaty bodies pressed close to each other. He stands awkwardly in a corner as he watches his friends make a fool of themselves on the dancefloor, celebrating Minseok's last weekend as a bachelor. Minseok is visually tipsy, tripping over himself, drink splashing onto his hand. Joonmyun should really go forward to drag him away from their rowdy friends but he's tired so instead, he leans back against the wall and sips slowly at his drink.
"Yo," a voice calls out from his left. He turns towards it and is met with an eyeful of chest. He tilts his head up. It's someone he doesn't know and someone that looks young, young enough that Joonmyun isn't sure if he is supposed to even be in the club or not.
"Me?" Joonmyun asks and the boy looks at him quizzically and nods his head slowly. Joonmyun blinks. Amusement settles itself on the boy's face, and it makes Joonmyun feel a little peeved. Boys usually didn't chat up men that were obviously older.
"Yes. Is it that surprising?" the boy says, a teasing tone in his voice. Joonmyun can't stop the small sound of irritation that leaves his mouth.
"Cocky, aren't we?" Joonmyun replies. The boy doesn't seem like he expected such a response, and his eyebrow raises in surprise, in interest. That confuses Joonmyun. Shouldn't he be annoyed or ticked off? Joonmyun wished he knew what was going on.
The boy tugs the glass from his hand and downs the rest of Joonmyun's drink in a single gulp. Joonmyun doesn't miss the way he flinches from the strength of the whiskey or the way he tries to hide it. It's endearing.
"I'm Sehun. Want to buy me another drink?" the boy asks.
"You know, I probably have ten years on you," Joonmyun replies. He was intrigued, no lie, but he just wanted to lay his cards out first.
Sehun looks at him in amusement again. "Why do you think I spoke to you?"
A tingle runs down Joonmyun's spine.
It's probably a bad decision, a lapse in judgement, but Joonmyun brings Sehun back to his car. Sehun is flushed from the alcohol, red not only on his cheek but lingering against the pale column of his neck and even in patches across his chest. Joonmyun can't help but have his mouth suck hard on those spots, trying to draw more red on to the surface, the possibility of a few bruises. Sehun moans in clear surprise when Joonmyun takes his nipple into his mouth, rolling the hard nub in his mouth and teething it on the edge of too hard.
"Never had anyone do this to you?" Joonmyun asks when he lifts his mouth. Sehun shakes his head, breathing hard. He had seemed to quiet down, the cocky boy who had picked Joonmyun up dissolving underneath Joonmyun's fingertips. It was an amazing feeling, and even more so when Sehun arched his back towards Joonmyun when Joonmyun teases the other nipple with the tip of his tongue. Sehun whines and then stills, clearly embarrassed. Joonmyun saves them from awkwardness by tugging against the nub and Sehun is broken down to moans and pleas once again.
Joonmyun drives Sehun home because it is the right thing to do. Sehun fidgets in the car for a moment, breathing heavily as he regained his senses. And when he does, the switch is amazing. The cocky little boy comes back in full force, making fun of Joonmyun's choice of decor in his car - "Really? You thought this was a good idea?" - and allowing his hands to stray against Joonmyun's skin. He's not red anymore, flush settling down and even though his hair is in a mess and there's a significant hickey at the crook of his neck, he still teases and prods, and Joonmyun is starting to find it oddly endearing.
They don't exchange numbers or addresses. Joonmyun gives Sehun a lingering goodbye kiss, a smile, and sends him on his way. Sehun waves good bye to him from his doorstep.
Joonmyun wakes up the next morning with aches in the weirdest of places. That's why car sex sucked. He stands up to stretch, hopping around the small space left in his room not taken up by his bed as he tries to unknot the kinks in his shoulders. Even after that, there is a persistent ache in his right shoulder and it makes him irritated. A long hot shower helps ease it down a little, but it's still noticeable and distracting.
He drives to school in a daze, his car still smelling of sex and Sehun's cheap cologne. Luckily, it's only the first day of school, so all he has are really his homeroom duties. Joonmyun yawns widely when he thinks about diving back into his bed and going to sleep for the whole day.
Except Joonmyun had no idea how this day was going to twist and turn.
Homeroom goes well at first. Everyone is present except for one empty seat. Joonmyun starts calling out names, trying to match face with name. It's going to take a while. He goes through the namelist in a semi-daze, still tired from the previous night, and then -
He gets jolt out of his trance but chalks up the similar name to a coincidence. It just couldn't have been. He calls out the name and is met with silence. He calls it again.
"Yo. Sorry, I’m late," a voice calls out from outside as the door opens.
Sehun (from last night) walks in.
"I am sor-," Sehun trails off gradually, a look of surprise flickers through his features for a moment and Joonmyun knows Sehun definitely recognizes him, even with his glasses on.
Time seems to tick by slowly. Joonmyun doesn't know how to react. He thinks he feels the rest of the class looking at him weirdly.
"It's okay, Sehun. It’s Sehun, right? Please take a seat," he manages to say, keeping his voice neutral.
Sehun regains his bearings and walks over to the empty seat, throwing his bag on to the table and props his head on it, staring at Joonmyun intently. It makes Joonmyun uncomfortable and Joonmyun wants to go over and chide him for it, maybe grab a handful of Sehun's hair and punish him. Instead, he swallows harshly and calls out the rest of the names on the registry.
He makes Sehun stay back after class, thankful that he can use the pretense of him being late to keep him for longer. One of the other boys pats Sehun on the back sympathetically, and Sehun just shrugs in response, head still nestled in his bag. Joonmyun closes the door behind the last student and makes his way next to Sehun's table. Sehun doesn't rise, just tilts his head up so his eyes are on Joonmyun's face. He seems even younger under the fluorescent light, without the aid of darkness and atmosphere to make him a tad bit older. It makes Joonmyun a little more guilty.
"So, you're a teacher, huh?" Sehun says. His tone is cheeky with just enough condescension to make Joonmyun uncomfortable. Joonmyun nods his head in response, not quite sure where he was going with this, with keeping Sehun back and everything. He should have just ignored him, pretended like he didn't recognize Sehun and continued on with his life. Sure, it would be awkward having to be Sehun's form teacher, but he is sure nothing would be as awkward as this current moment between them.
"Should have guessed it, dressed so stiff and proper, drinking straight whiskey and standing alone in a corner," Sehun continues. He is still slumped over his bag, and it is starting to tick Joonmyun off.
"Why don't you sit up if you want to talk to me?" Joonmyun snaps. Something flickers past Sehun's face, something that reminds Joonmyun of the boy in his car last night, vulnerable and yielding, but it disappears quickly. Sehun does sit up though, eyes never leaving Joonmyun's.
"Look, don't worry. I won't tell anyone about yesterday," Sehun says. He folds his arms as he says it, defensive or defiant, Joonmyun isn't sure. Sehun is proving to be difficult to read, a mystery that has Joonmyun intrigued. Joonmyun had always had a thing for solving puzzles, after all.
The bell hasn't rung yet, and Joonmyun is glad for that. He knows this scenario isn't too unusual in school; teacher lecturing a student in an empty class room, but Joonmyun can't help but feel how this situation might turn… different.
"I know you won't," Joonmyun says. Sehun just looks at him, a hint of confusion in his eyes.
"You're awfully sure of that," he bites back, but his tone isn't as convincing as his words are and Joonmyun know their tryst is safe between them. A secret.
Joonmyun gives Sehun a small smile, one that he had given him yesterday. He thinks he sees the start of a blush creep up Sehun's neck, but Sehun jolts out of his seat and leaves the classroom in a huff, door slamming behind him. Joonmyun can't help but give a small chuckle at his urgency.
Well, at least that's the end of it, Joonmyun thinks, as he returns to his desk and sorts out his notes.
So that wasn't the end of it, Joonmyun thinks as he catches Sehun's eyes in the same club as before. Joonmyun isn't too sure why he was back here, alone this time. He just wanted to, and maybe, just maybe, he wanted to maybe possibly see Sehun again. Sehun raises his eyebrow when he sees him, and raises the glass he has in his hand towards Joonmyun. Joonmyun does the same with his glass of whiskey, and he sees the way Sehun's eyes crinkle in laughter.
Sehun makes his way towards him, all suave and cocky again, and it makes something linger under Joonmyun's skin, a mixture of both arousal and also annoyance. He wants to have Sehun's hands all over him and he wants to have Sehun under him, pliant. Joonmyun always had that desire within him, a desire for control and dominance, one he hides deep in him because he doesn't seem like the type that would want something like that, and he didn't think people would take him seriously.
But Sehun had, Sehun had melted into a puddle beneath his fingertips that night, and that had been exhilarating and what Joonmyun had always desired.
"Hey, stranger," Sehun greets, cheeky. He leans against the backrest of the chair instead of sitting on it, hands crossed in front of him lightly. He does play the cool kid really really well, Joonmyun will at least give him that.
"Hey yourself," Joonmyun replies, taking a swig of his drink. Sehun does the same with his, eyeing him intently.
"Don't usually see your type around here," Sehun says.
"Always nice to have a change of atmosphere," Joonmyun replies easily. This is a dangerous foray, he knows. Playing a game, so to speak.
Sehun leans in closer then, stops leaning against the seat and instead takes a step towards Joonmyun. He's close.
"A big change, don't you think?"
"Are you even supposed to be here, boy?" Joonmyun throws back. Sehun looks indignant at that.
"I'm not a boy," he huffs back. Joonmyun laughs at the polarity between his reaction and his words.
"Yeah? Do you want to show me how much you aren't a boy?" Joonmyun says, slightly uncertain. He isn't sure if Sehun is just fucking with him or if Sehun genuinely wants to hook up again. Joonmyun knows he shouldn't be doing this really. Sehun is after all, his student, and he must be breaking a million or two protocols just talking to Sehun like this. But before Joonmyun can take back his words and laugh, before Joonmyun can tell Sehun to go home and forget everything…
"Lead the way," Sehun says. He is both determined and bashful and Joonmyun just can't say no to that.
Against his better judgement, Joonmyun brings him home. He knows it is stupid, that he could come back the next school day and see his doorstep vandalized or even surrounded by people if Sehun told any of his classmates about their… affair. He knows this is Taking It Too Far, but he does it anyway, opens the door and allows Sehun to step in.
His apartment is nothing to look at really. It is small but cozy, Joonmyun having spent many hours decorating it. He particularly likes the photo frames hung up in a pattern at a corner of the living room, but everything seemed kind of lackluster with Sehun around, kind of too old. But Sehun wasn't paying attention to his surroundings. He had forgotten to take his shoes off at the entrance, and had only done so when Joonmyun had chided him likely. Currently, Sehun is standing with his arms crossed in front of him, definitely out of defense this time.
Joonmyun leaves him there and slumps on to his couch, looking at Sehun. Sehun looks at him, not moving.
"You can leave you know, if you want," Joonmyun offers. Sehun's mouth opens before he presses it shut again.
"I'm good," Sehun replies. He unfolds his arms, and then folds them again.
"Come here then," Joonmyun offers. He reaches a hand towards Sehun. Sehun unfolds his arms again and steps towards him. He ignores Joonmyun's hand and sits down next to him instead.
"Are you sure you are okay?" Joonmyun asks again. He doesn't know why he is so nervous. It hadn't been this intense during the first night they met.
Sehun rolls his eyes and places one of his hand on Joonmyun's thigh. Joonmyun swallows harshly.
It escalates quickly from then. Soon, Sehun has one leg on either side of Joonmyun's thighs, bending down to kiss him. Everything is wet and sloppy, and Sehun is already making those pretty moaning noises he does, even with Joonmyun's tongue in his mouth. Joonmyun has a hand holding the back of Sehun's neck tightly, pressing Sehun closer to him.
And then Sehun has his shirt on the floor, and Joonmyun's mouth is hungry against his bare chest.
Sehun ends up being in Joonmyun's literature class and Joonmyun just wants to gently slam his head against the wall. Repeatedly. He is sitting right smack in the middle of class, book closed on his table and still in pristine condition.
Joonmyun takes the attendance staring intently at the namelist.
Their arrangement escalates quickly. It goes from the two random meetings to purposeful meetings, Joonmyun keying Sehun's number into his work phone after Sehun scrawls it on a blank piece of paper before he leaving. It goes from quick fucks to Sehun staying after and them ordering delivery in, eating fast food on the floor of Joonmyun's apartment, still buck naked. Joonmyun has a bad habit of showing Sehun new things and rambling to him about information and news and Sehun just rolls his eyes, calling him a teacher to the bone.
Soon, Sehun is even staying over, a quiet agreement after he had accidentally fell asleep once and Joonmyun hadn't woken him up to chase him away. Sehun has an extra toothbrush for the morning that he never leaves at Joonmyun's place and there never was a trace that Sehun had been around once morning came.
There is also a certain hierarchy in their physical interaction. Joonmyun is undeniably the one in charge, the one that makes Sehun weak-kneed and the one responsible for turning Sehun from his cocky persona to a whimpering mess, but Joonmyun doesn't think Sehun knows how much his reactions control Joonmyun too. They make Joonmyun fuck harder, say harsher things, just to elicit more of such reaction from Sehun.
Sehun likes it when Joonmyun punishes him, Joonmyun can tell. He blushes harder when Joonmyun calls him dirtier names, moans louder when Joonmyun fucks him with a punishing hand tight in his hair. They have talked about this of course, awkwardly, but it was a necessity. Joonmyun had laid out what he wanted from Sehun in the clearest of terms (obedience, submission, all that jazz) and also what he would not do. Sehun had done the same. It was a transaction of sort, somewhat.
Don't take it wrong, they weren't in a relationship, but they were not friends either. They existed in a sort of limbo, and neither wanted to delve any further. It was just convenience and making use of the other, Sehun needing the opportunity to be someone else and Joonmyun wanting the taste of power over another. It worked, and neither wanted to question the possible complications that might one day occur.
Surprisingly, it gets easier to have Sehun in his class, as if he was already so used to his presence that the disparity in their relationship in the two settings didn't matter too much anymore. Sometimes Sehun did get a little mischievous, calls him sir with a long drawl or crack an adult joke at his words (painfully easy, since Joonmyun did teach literature after all), but Joonmyun knows Sehun is just edging him on, and it both irritates and turns him on, just a little.
Weeks turn into months and Joonmyun and Sehun were still engaging each other. Joonmyun doesn't know if it is wise to continue, he's worried that time might bring along emotions, and Sehun was still a young boy after all, he was bound to confuse physical affection for emotion affection.
There's a certain attachment you start to develop for someone when you are constantly in close proximity, especially when sex is involved. It's not emotional, but it's also not entirely physically. It is an assumption that they are there when you need them to be, an assumption that the status quo can be kept. It can be, but sometimes, exceptions can elude the assumptions.
You learn about the other person in intimate but also shallow ways. You learn about the way he grinds his teeth in the middle of the night, the way he blushes from his chest when you fuck him from the front, or the way he looks with a queue of bruises dancing along his collarbones. Yet, you will never know what his favourite colour is, or what he does on other nights when he is not in your bed or under your fingertips. You don't know anything about his family or his friends and then you're not sure if what you know is just a hidden persona stuck deep in the crevices of his bones, one that might not even be entirely real.
"Sehun, would you like to answer the question?" Joonmyun asks purposely, noticing the way Sehun was zoned out, staring out of the window from his middle row seat. Sehun jolts out of his trance and turns to look at Joonmyun.
"Not really," he replies casually. The class erupts into soft murmurs and laughter, and Joonmyun is just a little embarrassed. He catches the look on Sehun's face, one of amusement and cockiness, and Joonmyun has to take a deep breath.
"Well, would you like to try?" Joonmyun tries again. Sehun raises his eyebrow at him.
"Not really…, sir," Sehun says, emphasising on the sir, curling his lips in tease. Joonmyun gives him a long look. The other students probably thought he was just mildly ticked off, Sehun should knew he means business.
"Okay then, we'll continue," Joonmyun says, brushing it aside. Sehun smiles at him and then returns his attention back to the window.
"Sir, please, sir," Sehun pleads wantonly, hands tied behind his back with one of Joonmyun's ties and then another tie linking it to the metal railing of Joonmyun's bed. He struggles against his bonds, a token effort more than anything, and looks at Joonmyun. Joonmyun really just wants to untie Sehun and fuck him with his face pressed hard into the mattress, but he knows Sehun had goaded him in class because he wanted this, and Joonmyun wasn't in the business of denying Sehun.
Joonmyun walks up to the edge of the bed and traces the back of his index finger down the length of Sehun's cheek. Sehun shivers under his touch, but tries his best not to squirm to demand for more. He learns so fast. Joonmyun takes out another tie from his pocket and puts it around Sehun's eyes.
"Okay?" he asks. Sehun nods shakily and Joonmyun ties the end of the tie together at the back of Sehun's neck. Sehun swallows nervously, Joonmyun can see the way his adam's apple bobs nervously. Joonmyun moves away but doesn't make a sound, and he delights in the way Sehun darts his head around, trying to look for him even without his sight.
Joonmyun feeds the fingers on his left hand to Sehun, and Sehun slobbers over them hungrily as Joonmyun's other hand plays with his nipples, making Sehun moan around his fingers. Sehun had such sensitive nipples.
He teases Sehun for a long period of time like this, tracing his hand around any expanse of skin he could reach, and even taking Sehun's filled cock in his hand and jerking him off lightly, without any real resolution. Sehun's hips cant desperately against him, begging with his body for more touch, more friction, but Joonmyun never gives it to him.
Joonmyun had wanted to send Sehun home like this, or retreat to bed, to keep Sehun hard and needy, on the brink of release but never quite tipping over the cliff. He wanted to keep Sehun riled up and flushed, embarrassment colouring his cheeks as Joonmyun makes him go to bed, but that would be denying Joonmyun himself from fucking Sehun, so he opts of it immediately.
Sehun kisses him fiercely once his bonds are released, mouth wet from sucking on Joonmyun's fingers for so long and his hands grip Joonmyun's shoulders. Joonmyun adores Sehun like this, when Sehun is the one that initiates something.
He preps Sehun even as they kiss, coating his fingers with lube before he reaches down to Sehun's ass, pushing in one finger slowly. Sehun opens up for him much more easily now, and Sehun gasps against his teeth when he feels Joonmyun's finger. Joonmyun fucks him lazily with one finger even as he tugs on the latter's tongue with his teeth, drawing out a whine from Sehun before he lets go. One finger becomes two and he pumps them in and out slowly, letting Sehun get used to the breach.
"Faster," Sehun begs, "Faster." Sehun tries to move his lower body to speed things up, but the angle doesn't quite allow for it. He groans out in frustration. Joonmyun can't help the chuckle that he leaves against Sehun's neck.
"Such a cockslut," Joonmyun comments, and Sehun whimpers at that. Sehun always does when Joonmyun calls him something more filthy, still blushes occasionally and it makes Joonmyun even harder, "Begging to have your ass filled."
"Please, sir, please," Sehun continues to beg, doesn't even care about how he must sound and look. Sehun had been tentative about begging and words at first, but Joonmyun is a teacher after all, and apparently not too bad of one.
Joonmyun fucks Sehun with the latter's legs on his shoulders. It's not the most comfortable of positions, especially since Sehun is all legs and height and Joonmyun is not as tall as he liked. But Joonmyun likes to see Sehun's face when he pushes his cock into Sehun, likes to see the silent 'o' his mouth makes when the head of Joonmyun's dick slides in. It's easier to gauge Sehun's reaction like this too, slowing down when the grimace on Sehun's face turns from mild to full blown, and going a little faster when Sehun seemed distracted.
He fucks Sehun hard and fast, hands holding Sehun's wrists down. Sehun is edging him forward with words and sounds, asking for it to be faster and harder and please please, so Joonmyun gives it to him.
Joonmyun notices that Sehun has been hanging out with the same girl a lot recently. She's tall and leggy, and she leans in too close when Sehun speaks for Joonmyun's liking. Sehun laughs a lot around her too, shedding a fraction of his cool persona. Joonmyun has caught a glimpse of them during lunch break, sitting in a corner and sharing a set of earphones. Her hair brushes against Sehun's shoulder as she leans in closer to see what was on Sehun's phone screen.
Joonmyun isn't jealous. He ignores the coiling of something ugly in the pit of his stomach, tells himself it was impossible that he was feeling jealous. He's a grown man and he should be able to separate sex from emotions, not tense up like this. It's crazy to even think about it. Sehun is too young, too green, hasn't seen the world yet.
It’s not that Joonmyun doesn't care for Sehun, he does. It was inevitable with the amount of time they spent together and the roles they undertook, but his care towards Sehun was one of age and maturity, like an older relative or brother, not one with any nuances of romance in it. He cares about Sehun's grades (for his class, at least), his well-being and his actions, because it is natural and the humane thing to do.
So Joonmyun shoves all these dangerous thoughts away, shoves them so deep that hopefully they never resurface, and maybe he fucks Sehun gentler and calls him "beautiful boy" more often, but it meant nothing.
Sehun cancels on Joonmyun. It's not uncommon for cancellations of course, Joonmyun always does so, always has too many papers to mark, or a staff meeting drags on for hours on end, but Sehun has never been the one to say that he couldn't make it.
"Why?" he can't help but ask, texting the single word over to Sehun. It isn't too weird anyway, he offers his reasons all the time.
"Busy," Sehun texts back almost immediately, and Joonmyun knows it is the end of the conversation. Joonmyun shrugs it off as much as he can and spends his evening catching up on his collection on art films.
Joonmyun knows he is abusing his authority, but he makes Sehun stay back in class after the latter hadn't replied his texts for days after cancelling on him for the third time running. Sehun raises an eyebrow at him in question but does stay back, sitting on his desk with his arms folded. Joonmyun waits for everyone to leave the room and for the door to shut close before he opens his mouth.
"You haven't been replying me," he says right off the bat, and cringes at how it must sound. Sehun doesn't respond, just looks at him. Joonmyun allows the silence to stretch longer and more awkwardly, unsure of what to say.
"I haven't," Sehun reaffirms. He says it as a statement so Joonmyun knows he is not replying on purpose, not because he was busy or something like that.
"Why?" Joonmyun asks, hoping his voice is neutral and not overly curious.
"I'm not obliged to tell you," Sehun spits back, with a hint of venom in his voice, venom that Joonmyun is pretty sure he hasn't done anything to deserve.
"You're such a child," Joonmyun can't help but say.
"I am such a child, aren't I? Suits you just fine," Sehun replies, sarcasm laced into every word. Joonmyun feels the start of anger course through his veins and he presses his lips together.
"Why?" he asks instead, teeth vaguely gritted.
"Can I go please? It's my lunchbreak now," Sehun says instead. Joonmyun can't hold him back for any real reason, so he lets Sehun go.
Surprisingly, it is Sehun that breaks the silence first, asking to go over to Joonmyun's place three days later. The message isn't terribly curt but it isn't as affectionate as their usual texting. Joonmyun was supposed to meet his group of friends for drinks, but he tells them he is not turning up, a sudden headache and such.
Sehun comes over early, shifting around at his doorstep. Joonmyun has to gesture for him to enter before he does. He does so tentatively, kicking off his shoes before entering. He wanders into the living room and stands at a spot, almost the same spot when he first came here, awkwardly, hands folded defensively.
"Take a seat," Joonmyun urges. Sehun glances at him and then at the sofa before he does, edging closer and falling onto the couch. Joonmyun takes the seat next to him.
"I'm surprised you're here," Joonmyun comments without much weight. Sehun snorts, more for his own benefit than Joonmyun's.
"You're glad," Sehun corrects easily. Joonmyun doesn't dispute him, but stays silent instead. Sehun seems like he has more to say. Sehun shifts in his seat, "I have something to tell you."
Joonmyun looks at him with question on his face as he gestures for Sehun to continue. Sehun's lips are tight together and his eyebrows furrowed intensely.
"Come on," Joonmyun urges, "You're here already anyway." He nudges Sehun's thigh with his own, another hand squeezing his knee in encouragement.
"I just might have feelings for you," Sehun says. The words hang in the air, real and spoken, something that Sehun is unable to take back and something that Joonmyun has to register. "I mean, I'm not entirely sure of course, maybe it's just, I just, -"
"Stop, Sehun," Joonmyun says. Sehun stops mid-sentence, mouth still open. He closes it hurriedly. The tension in the air is palable.
"I care about you Sehun, you know that," Joonmyun tries, tactiful. Sehun just looks at him with disbelief in his eyes.
"I don't want you to care about me, I want you - I. I've been avoiding you because I was hoping this feeling would fade away, maybe it was the constant interaction that made me confuse something, but I've been just… torn up. I keep hoping you'll reach out but you don't, and I don't want to continue this if, if…"
"Sehun…," Joonmyun interjects. He is contemplating his thoughts too, trying to string things together. He doesn't think he has feelings feelings for Sehun, yet he thinks he could have them, could make these stray thoughts and care weave together to form concrete emotions, but - he looks at Sehun here - Sehun is still a child, but also a grown person, and he is not sure how to grapple with that. Besides, he is Sehun's teacher and…
"Say something useful," Sehun disturbs his train of thought. He is fidgety now, uncomfortable, and Joonmyun knows it must have bugged Sehun a hell lot for Sehun to actually want to tell Joonmyun this.
Joonmyun isn't sure about his feelings, or even if they exist or not, but he doesn't want to disappoint Sehun.
So Joonmyun kisses Sehun.
"Let me make it clear, I'm not in love with you," Sehun says after a minute or so of silence after the kiss. Joonmyun regards him with a look that makes his determined face falter.
"Neither am I," Joonmyun reassures, and he knows that much is true, but stranger things have happened.
They keep it - they - a secret of course. They are not dating per se, but they are not just fucking either. Joonmyun brings Sehun out for dinner at restaurants tuck into corners no one they know will stumble upon, and Sehun takes Joonmyun to an empty, overgrown, deserted park.
Joonmyun still isn't sure about this, too. Sehun's eyes are now always bright with mirth and he's more daring too, tries to reach past the boundary they have set. Sure, Joonmyun likes having Sehun around him, has grown accustomed to his presence, really, the smell of his teenager deodorant (he's going to buy him real cologne on his birthday) or the way his collarbones dip deep, but -
He doesn't think he will ever have feelings for Sehun the way Sehun possibly does for him.
Thank you to A (as always) for being my guiding hand. I could never do anything without your approval, honestly. Written while listening to: Paralyzer (Finger Eleven), Backseat Lover (Mayer Hawthorne), Overpower Thee (Auf Der Maur), Alive (One Direction), Let's Make Out (Does It Offend You, Yeah?) and I'm Not Your Toy (La Roux). (Playlist made by charliebnim over here. thank you!!)
There might be a porn outtake, that's all.